You Never Know What You Have
by Sand-wolf579
Summary: Lars has returned to Earth, but sometimes he can't help but feel like he would rather just be back in space.


**A/N: This is my first Steven Universe story, and I've never felt so nervous about posting a story. I don't often write about things that are currently popular, and I have to admit, it's a little intimidating. So, uh, please be kind with any critiques you may have. It's not a pleasant feeling to be a little afraid of a fandom that you're a part of.**

 **Anyways, this story is completely inspired by a song from the 2003 version of Peter Pan. The soundtrack for that movie is absolutely beautiful, especially track 02,** _ **Flying**_ **. Lately whenever I listen to that particular song it just makes me think of Lars and his space pirateyness. I would have loved to make an animatic or something with the song, but I don't really know how to and it probably wouldn't end up as well as I would like. So I just wrote a story instead, because it's what I'm familiar with.**

* * *

It was strange. Lars hadn't been away from Earth for _that_ long, and yet it felt like a lifetime since he had been on _his_ homeworld. Then again, it kinda _had_ been a lifetime ago. A lot have time may not have passed, but _a lot_ of things had changed.

... _he_ had changed.

When he and Steven had first been taken away Lars had wanted nothing more than to go home. He wanted to see his parents. He _really_ wanted to make amends with Sadie. He didn't want to worry about killer giant ladies trying to destroy him. He had just wanted to feel safe again. He wanted things to be _normal_ again.

Lars had learned a lot of things while at the gem's Homeworld, but probably the most prominent was that the saying 'you never know what you have till it's gone' really was true. He hadn't realized just how great life on Earth was until it was taken away from him.

Now, after a long _long_ journey he and his new friends had finally managed to get back to Earth. Lars thought that he would feel ecstatic. His parents were overjoyed that he was back, Sadie had forgiven him for being a total jerk back when they had first been taken, and everything was fine again. Things were back to normal.

The thing was...Lars wasn't so sure that that was what he wanted anymore.

It may be true that 'you never know what you have till it's gone', but was it possible that if you were able to get back the thing that you lost in the first place, you could realize that things might have just been better without it?

Lars felt that way sometimes (a lot of the time), and he felt so conflicted and guilty about it.

Don't get him wrong. Lars was definitely happy to be back home, but he couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Something that, until just a short while ago, he hadn't even known that he needed.

Lars tried to act like everything was normal. He knew that his parents and Sadie could tell that _something_ was off, but they never said anything, and neither did he. Lars knew that they would just worry if they knew what was going on, and he didn't want to do that to them. He had caused them, and everybody else around him, enough trouble as it was.

He was through with worrying and being a burden for those he cared about.

Lars hadn't returned to work yet. His parents wanted him home as much as possible, and they barely ever let him out of their sights. It was a little annoying how they were always hovering, but it didn't bug Lars as much as he had thought that it would. He was just glad that his parents cared so much.

Lars hadn't realized before just how much they had missed him. A part of him had wondered if _anybody_ would miss him, and an even larger part had wondered if he was even worth missing at all.

While Lars spent the days with his parents, his nights were all about Sadie. It didn't matter to either of them what they did, but they just wanted to be with each other. Sometimes they would go to his place and play some video games. Sometimes they had horror movie marathons at her place. A couple of times they had gone to some party or meetup that the cool kids were having, but they didn't usually stay for long because Lars never really felt comfortable. A number of times Sadie had gone with Lars to check up on his gem friends, to make sure they were adjusting to Earth life okay.

Lars and Sadie couldn't spend all _that_ much time together though. She still had work, after all, and needed sleep. Whenever it started getting a little late Lars would walk Sadie back to her house, and about ninety percent of the time he would stay over himself, because Sadie was just as worried about him up and disappearing as his parents were.

Lars always stayed with Sadie until she fell asleep. About half the time he would feel content enough to fall asleep right next to her. The other half of the time though the nagging little feeling that he tried to pretend didn't exist would bring itself to the forefront of his mind. It left him feeling full of longing, empty, and so homesick that it made his stomach actually hurt. Lars couldn't get rid of this feeling, but he had a way of at least holding it off.

After Sadie fell asleep Lars would wait for another half an hour. Once he was sure that she wasn't going to wake up, Lars would grab his jacket and quietly slip out. He didn't want to wake Sadie, and he _definitely_ didn't want her to know what he was doing. He didn't think she would understand. He didn't think that _anybody_ would.

Lars would walk down the quiet streets of Beach City until he found his way to a clifftop that overlooked the ocean. Lars remembered when he was a kid he used to hate to see the ocean at night. It looked like a black abyss that was just waiting to suck him in. Now though it was his favorite view in all of Beach City. There was just something very familiar and comforting about the pitch black ocean and sky.

Lars would then lay down on the damp grass and stare at the sky above him. On that particular night there wasn't a cloud in sight, and the stars were shining bright. In the past he would have loved this view. He hadn't ever told anybody this, but Lars had always secretly been a fan of space. He liked wondering about the possibilities of just what could be out there in the universe besides them. It was _this_ that had been the base of his and Ronaldo's friendship when they were kids.

Lars could remember when he used to spend hours just looking up at the sky. He would stargaze, look for constellations or planets, and a couple of times he had even tried to count the stars (his latest attempt having been just two years before). Back then he had felt like seeing the sky at night was like being shown a glimpse into another dimension.

Lars felt somewhat differently about things now. He had seen space _._ He had actually _been_ there before, and he knew that it was more amazing than anybody could possibly imagine. In comparison, the view of space from Earth was just pathetic and depressing. It felt like being trapped in a dark prison where the only light and view to the outside world was a sliver of a window that was barely more than a crack in the wall.

Maybe it wasn't the fairest analogy, but it was how he felt, and he couldn't change it.

The thing was, Lars _missed_ being in space. He missed the beauty. He missed the excitement and adventure. He missed the closeness between the off colors. Sure, they were all still close friends, but Lars felt like they weren't _as_ close as before because they didn't have to be. Earth was big and (mostly) accepting place. None of them had to hide who they were anymore, so there just wasn't as much of a reliance on one another.

Lars also missed how confident he had been in himself when he had been the captain of their little group. He had felt like somebody had actually _needed_ him for once in his life, and he took that responsibility seriously. Now though his friends had other, better, more supportive friends around, and he wasn't so sure that they needed _him._

Lars just missed how things had been.

"Lars?" The teenager all but jumped out of his skin when he heard his name. He had _really_ not been expecting anybody else to come up here. He looked and saw, to his horror, Sadie standing there, looking at him. And she looked _upset_. Great, he had gone and made her sad... _again._ He hadn't even been doing anything, and yet Lars had still managed to screw things up for Sadie.

"H-hey." Lars quickly sat up. For a few moments the two of them just stared at each other, neither was entirely sure about what they should do or who should say what first. Finally Lars took in a deep breath and decided to end the awkward silence. "Do...Do you want to sit?"

Sadie gave him a small smile. "Sure." She came and made herself comfortable on the grass right next to Lars. Things were quiet for another few moments.

"So, uh…" Lars let out a nervous chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck. "What are you doing out here?"

"Looking for you." Sadie gave Lars an exasperated look. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice you walking off every other night?"

"Kinda." Lars admitted as he looked back up at the sky.

Sadie sighed and took his hand. She didn't say anything for awhile. She just sat there and followed his gaze up to the heavens. "The stars look pretty tonight." She commented.

"I guess so." Lars shrugged.

"Right," Sadie gave a little self conscious laugh. "I guess it _would_ look unimpressive to you. I mean, you've actually _been_ up there." She was quiet for a few minutes. "...What was it like?"

Lars felt a smile creep onto his face. "It was the most incredible thing ever."

"Was it dangerous?" Sadie asked, even though she kinda knew the answer.

"Of course." Lars said. "Most of the best things in life are." That was another thing he had learned while he was away from Earth. "But you know, during those moments when our lives were the most at risk, _those_ were the times that I felt most alive."

Sadie squeezed his hand at his words. "Do you...miss it?" Sadie asked in a quiet, reluctant voice, like she was scared to hear the answer. And, honestly, Lars was scared to think it.

"I don't know." Lars said honestly. "I mean, I love being back on earth and all, but…"

"...But what?" Sadie urged him to continue. Lars sighed.

"But I feel the same way down here as I felt before." Lars admitted. "Up there, the only struggle was to survive. On Earth though, there are so many expectations, and I just feel like everybody's watching me, waiting for me to fall flat on my face."

Lars didn't feel like he explained it very well at all, but Sadie nodded in understanding. She knew better than anybody else just how much pressure he put on himself to fit in with society. He had thought that he had gotten over his social problems, because he definitely had them up in space...but he hadn't.

The gem's Homeworld and open space had definitely been dangerous, but it was because of this danger that Lars had no choice but to act like himself, because he couldn't exactly focus on keeping up his social masks when his and his friends' lives were on the line. He had just started to feel comfortable with just being himself when they had gotten back to Earth, and suddenly he was right back where he had been before.

"...I'm sorry." Sadie gave Lars' hand a reassuring squeeze. "I want to help you, but I don't know how."

"It's okay." Lars said, and he meant it. He himself didn't know how to stop feeling so judged on Earth, so how could he expect Sadie to do any better? "I'll just learn to live with it."

"I don't want you to." Sadie said in a firm, somewhat angry voice, which took Lars off guard. "Life shouldn't just be about learning to live with things you don't like."

"...but it is." Lars said plainly. Everybody knew that life wasn't fair. It was just unfair in different ways for different people.

"But it _shouldn't_ be." Sadie insisted. She looked up at him, and Lars hesitantly lowered his gaze to meet her eyes. She looked sad. Why did he always make her sad? "Lars, if you've actually found something that makes you happy…" She trailed off, but Lars knew exactly what she was going to say. He was kinda glad that she hadn't finished her thought, because if he heard it outloud then it would make the possibility seem that much more appealing, and he wasn't so sure that he wanted to leave his home again, possibly for good.

...He wasn't so sure that he _didn't_ want to leave either.

Sadie leaned against Lars' arm. He didn't flinch away or become tense and nervous liked he had before. That was probably one thing that _had_ changed about being back on Earth. Lars still felt insecure about a lot of things, but his relationship with Sadie wasn't one of them. After all, if Fluorite and Rhondonite could be brave enough to be themselves, even if being fusions made them social outcasts, then Lars could be more open about his relationship with Sadie.

"So…" Sadie said after a minute of uncomfortable silence. "Steven told me that you were a space pirate?"

Lars grinned proudly. "Captain, actually."

Sadie nudged his arm playfully. "Well? It sounds like there's a story behind that. What was it like?"

Lars hesitated for a moment. "Do you really want to hear this?" Lars asked. He hadn't talked to _anybody_ about anything that had happened in space. He didn't want to worry Sadie by telling her about the risky moves he had made daily. And he _really_ didn't want to upset her by letting on how much he missed being a space pirate captain.

"Yeah, I do." Sadie said without the slightest bit of doubt or hesitation.

"Well, I wouldn't know what to tell you about." Lars wasn't sure why he was trying to come up with excuses to not tell Sadie about his adventures. They had been exciting, and he _wanted_ to share it with her. He just didn't want to mess things up again.

"Tell me everything." Sadie said.

Lars chuckled slightly. "That could take awhile."

Sadie shifted so she could be in a more comfortable position. "I don't have work tomorrow. We've got all the time you need."

Lars grinned. In that case, he figured it would be best to start from the beginning. "Well, after Steven returned to Earth me and the off colors needed to find another place to hide out, so…"

Lars spent the next few hours telling Sadie about what had happened when he was gone. Once he started talking about it, the stories just kept on coming out. He didn't just talk about his pirate exploits either. He told her more about his gem friends. He told her what he had learned about gem culture.

All while Lars talked, he avoided looking at Sadie. He knew that if he did he would see that goofy, happy grin of hers that made him feel so flustered that it felt like his brain shut down and he couldn't think. He instead stared back up at the stars

It was weird. Lars noticed as he looked up at the sky that the stars, and even the entire universe, felt closer right then than they had in a long time. He actually felt like a part of the universe, and he hadn't felt like _that_ since he had returned to Earth.

It was at this time that Lars realized, for the first time in his life, that he really and truly felt okay with where he was at that time. Here, sitting next to Sadie, telling her about his exploits in space, Lars finally felt like he was home.

And he had never felt more okay in his life.


End file.
